The media tends to portray fathers as bumblers in the domestic sphere (Ray Romano), or as sexist buffoons declaring domestic chores to be “woman’s work,” (Archie Bunker), or as hyper-successful patriarchs, too busy with “important stuff” to do much around the house (JR Ewing, Tony Soprano). Except for grilling meat on the barbecue, men seem doomed by our collective expectations, to feel conflicted about participating in day-to-day home life. This is bad for everyone, especially kids.

Father’s Day gift ideas underscore this rejection of domestic life. Common Father’s Day gift suggestions include: golf paraphernalia, neckties, barbecue tools, electronic gadgets, and booze. None of the activities associated with these gifts (barbecue tools excepted) result in family time. The commercial sentiment is that a father is someone who is fulfilled and happy when he is at work, in the bar, on the links, or working with his gadgets. In other words – not with his family.

This is a problem because dads are as essential as moms when it comes to child rearing. Research is starting to show just how big a role their involvement plays in their kids’ long-term success and happiness. And highly involved parenting isn’t just good for kids, it’s good for dads. Jeremy Adam Smith’s fascinating post, The Astonishing Science of Father Involvement, explains how the male brain actually changes in response to fatherhood. Dad’s noggin sorta re-wires and gets smarter in proportion to how much time he spends with his child.

Suzanne Braun Levine’s book, Father Courage: What Happens When Men Put Family First explores the broader implications of this new kind of fatherhood. Here’s how Publisher’s Weekly summarizes her book:

“It is all of a piece, the entry of women into the workplace and the integration of men into the family.” Many fathers in this “transition generation” feel they face their difficulties alone and are surprised to find how many others are like them. From the birth experience at the hospital through the early months of parenthood and beyond, men often receive conflicting messages from society that encourage them to be supportive but not to get too closely involved in the dailiness of raising children. Women, too, are often unwilling to “relinquish the mystical powers attributed to motherhood” that is for many the only power they have. Levine also contends that a double standard in the workplace favors women who need to take time to be with their families but discourages men from putting family first. Writing at the “equity frontier” of “family politics,” Levine provides a useful sourcebook for would-be revolutionaries and makes an eloquent plea for more public conversation about private pressures.

I’ll end this post with a big thank you to my husband, an amazing father, who worked at home for the first year of our son’s life, who displays superhuman patience, and who shares the chores 50/50 except when he’s doing really important stuff, (just kidding he always pitches in). Here’s a preview of some of the treats we have planned for tomorrow. Pancakes and a long bike ride are also on the agenda. Happy Father’s Day!

Kid-made card

Surprise gift - wrapped in stripes and decorated with googly eyes and a smiley face.

When I ditched TV ten years ago, it wasn’t for moral reasons. It wasn’t because I was worried that TV was rotting my brain, and it wasn’t because I couldn’t afford the cable bills. It was, purely and simply, a time-management decision. I never would have gotten through grad school if I had continued wasting spending 3 or 4 hours a day in front of the tube. But it took me awhile to pull the plug because I honestly believed that I loved TV. As a latchkey kid, I’d grown up with television, logging 25+ hours a week. The television was a pseudo parent and friend. Even after ten years of living television-free, I still can’t ignore it. If a TV is turned on anywhere near me, I am helplessly drawn to it.

So, when I canceled our cable account, I braced myself for a long painful withdrawl process. I fully expected to wander the apartment as a half-crazed shell of a person desperately longing for TV veg-out time. But it didn’t happen that way. After a few days of no TV, I kind of…forgot about it. Incredibly, I preferred quiet evenings spent reading (note: grad school = lots of reading), surfing the web, or talking to my husband. I also liked getting my homework done. And now, ten years later, I’m using what would have been television time to do stuff that matters to me like writing this blog, talking to friends, hanging out with my family, gardening, or fixing stuff around the house.

Turning off the TV had other unexpected perks. First, my outlook improved. Now, when I do watch TV (on airplanes, in hotel rooms, etc…) I notice how negative and degrading some of the shows are. And even though I still enjoy an occasional wallow in the reality show mud pits, after a few hours of it I feel pretty gross. Television exploits negativity because it is a downward spiral from which there is no escape addictive. Take a look at this blog post and ponder how your psyche might be impacted by television: Have You Fallen for these 7 Negative Attitudes Pushed by the Media?

Second, since I stopped watching shows with ridiculously good looking actors who live in beautiful homes, wear incredible clothes, have perfect hair, and enjoy outrageous adventures, I find myself increasingly satisfied with my own life. Not that I don’t still fantasize about being an international spy with amazing karate moves, but those daydreams are on my terms and I have them with both feet firmly planted on my own Walter Mitty-ish turf.

Third, I don’t watch commercials, so I don’t even know about all the stuff that I should want. There are whole boatloads of Chinese consumer goods that I’ve never even heard of. And more importantly, my child doesn’t know about these things. If he watches a show, it’s on DVD, so no commercials, no nagging me to get that plastic thingamabob. No TV = less nagging, that is a scientifically-proven fact:

In 2001, the Nag Factor was used to influence an estimated $300 billion in sales. That amounts to over $4,000 per pestering child per year.

I eliminated TV because I was time starved. The tube was a non-essential and getting rid of it was an easy way to gain a few hours a day. But the decision turned out to be a great lifestyle-enhancer. If you are considering doing the same, here are a few websites to check out:
Trash Your TV! The Complete Guide to a Television-free Lifestyle
Unplug Your Kids
Escape Your Television — Diary of an Addict

When I moved into my house last August, the yard was mostly dirt, weeds and moss. At the time I was so overwhelmed by the work of owning an old house, that I thought, “good” moss and dirt are low maintenance. I’ll worry about it next spring.

When next spring came, I bought a big bag of grass seed, tossed it on the barren ground, sprayed it with water and hoped for the best. I was pretty sure nothing would grow. Somewhere I got the idea that grass was really really hard to cultivate. But, amazingly, it grew. And grew and grew. Now we needed a lawnmower.

This may not seem like a big deal to those of you who have been mowing since high school, but owning a lawnmower is a jarring rite of passage for former apartment dwellers. For my entire adult life I’ve avoided owning the fleet of lawn care machinery my suburban parents did battle with. Lawn mowing always seemed like an unpleasant, loud, polluting, dangerous chore, and the tool one used for it (the lawnmower) was an expensive, cumbersome piece of equipment that wouldn’t fit in our extremely narrow one-car garage. Moreover, I dreaded the effect it would have on my five year old. He can’t keep away from anything noisy and mechanical, so I was sure I’d be yelling myself horse warning him away from the deadly, spinning blades.

Enter the old-fashioned rotary mower. The Scotts push reel mower we bought was a hundred dollars cheaper then the least-expensive gas-powered or electric mower and it fit in our tiny garage! We brought it home from the hardware store and my husband assembled it in under ten minutes. It was whisper-quiet and it cut the grass beautifully, but there was an even bigger benefit that I hadn’t anticipated. My son wanted to help, and it seemed safe enough to let him. Supervised by my husband, he pushed the mower and called out, “This is so fun, mom! I want to do this every weekend.”

The frugality movement is about more than just saving money, it’s about rethinking our consumer culture. Since today is Mother’s Day, I thought I would take a moment to consider how we celebrate mom.

According to the National Retail Federation, Americans will spend an an estimated $14.10 billion on Mother’s Day cards and gifts. Clearly, Mother’s Day is a phenomenally successful commercial holiday, but more than the money spent on cards and gifts, the lamentable thing about Mother’s Day is the canned, sentimental, idealized, gooey portrayal of mothers themselves. That’s why I offer this Pink Floyd video for your consideration.

It’s the opposite of a Hallmark card and, I know this sounds strange, but I think it gets to the bottom of what mothers really are–larger-then-life figures in their children’s consciouness and counterpoints to humankind’s destructive efforts. Pink Floyd’s “Mother” explores the richness and complexity of this primary relationship. The song reveals the push-pull, the vulnerability and the defiance, the fierce energy of our connection to mother, and the deep melancholy over the fraught nature of that connection.

When I consider my relationship with my mother and with my son, this vision of motherhood feels more authentic and, oddly enough, more inspiring than the media portrayal of mothers as long-suffering saints or always-cuddly pets. Motherhood isn’t about how closely we match a commercial ideal, but how deeply and ferociously we love. So on this frugal Mother’s Day, I’m rethinking what motherhood means. I’ve decided to embrace the complexity and the chaos, and I’ve recommitted myself to doing motherly battle with the forces of destruction.

For Mother’s Day, I’m not getting flowers, candy, or jewelry. My husband and son are outside in the yard as I write this, building me a victory garden.