Frugality in Friendship (for the Sake of Writing)

This may sound strange, but one area of my life in which I’ve been practicing being more frugal lately is in my friendships. I’m not doing this in an effort to save money – though staying home at night and on weekends does have that desirable effect on my bank account – it’s an attempt to conserve time and devote more of it to my writing. Not my freelance writing, but the kind of writing that earned me my MFA.

While I’m quite disciplined about the way I structure my time for my freelance gigs, I sometimes lose steam when it comes to writing in my “non-work” hours. I would much rather go out and do fun things with my friends, especially if they are performing or having art or film openings. Often, the last thing I want to do is sit around and write more after writing all day, even if it is the thing that I most deeply do want to do.

“No human activity I know of takes more time than writing…. Of necessity the writer is unlike those of [her] friends who quit work at five,” wrote John Gardener in On Becoming a Novelist. For me, it’s a conundrum, and it always has been since I realized I was a writer. I try to strategize so that I have time to write and time to relax. But I like being social. I enjoy going out. I love spending time with friends and having long and involved conversations while eating and drinking, perusing galleries, or hanging out at the beach. But I have (I’m told by my friends) more friends than the average person. More friends = more temptations invitations to choose play over work.

That’s why I’ve put a moratorium on new friendships. This might sound obnoxious to anyone who doesn’t know me, but to anyone who does – and anyone who has teased me about inviting only my “closest” 200 friends to a dinner party (you know who you are) – this assertion just makes them laugh. The thing is, I make friends easily. If I had a superpower, that’d be it. But in recent years, I’ve also been troubled by this because there simply isn’t enough time in my day/week/month/year/life to cultivate meaningful relationships with all of these people that I’m intrigued by and interested in.

In lieu of spending time with new friends, I am trying to dedicate more quality time to my inner circle of friends – engaging with each of them, one on one, and hosting more intimate gatherings at home. I am still meeting up with my other friends and acquaintances, but less often. However, I have found that social networking – Facebook, in particular – makes it easy for me to be a well-informed – if somewhat lazy – friend to many of the other people I care about. (By the way, I have not put a moratorium on new Facebook friends: http://www.facebook.com/jenlaskey)

Finally, I am saying NO more often. I decline invitations to do all sorts of fun things and I’m getting better at refusing to take on other people’s projects when they’re going to take time away from my own. And other than feeling a little bit of initial guilt about disappointing my friends in these circumstances, I believe I’m making progress. Plus, it makes me extra committed to using my personal time as wisely as possible, so I don’t regret missing out on those other opportunities.

The older I get, the more precious my time is to me – especially when I have a novel and a cookbook and several blogs to tend to. Sometimes I do end up just staring at my computer for hours, typing out a few sentences here and there, and then deleting them, dissatisfied. But usually, I get at least a little something that pleases me. Even if the words don’t culminate in exactly the way that I want them to, they are mine – fruits of my labor and solitude.